Wednesday, October 17, 2001

This Blog will have to end. Too many people are misunderstanding it and using it for evil.
MY BOSS BOUGHT ME FLOWERS

yeah, that was a surprise. flowers from one of the partners. now the whole office is speculating..sheesh. Why is it such a crime to be kind to someone who is hurting? I thought it was a beautiful sweet gesture....especially since flowers are my most favorite thing in the whole world! It really made me feel appreciated...too bad hes already married...grrr..

Unspeakable Fear began taking hold this afternoon...that semi-verge-panic thing...this is SO ALIEN to me....It manifests itself in Displaced Anger...toward anyone who happens to be in the way. I think this is normal stress related reactions...but heck...Its just not me.

I have to get away from living with my brother. this just isnt gonna fly. his lifestyle is just too odd. I dont want my kids exposed to it...plus...ugh. he just goes out every night doing Lord only knows what...never buys food, or cleans up anything...icky. I knew he would just be like another kid....plus he has that whole woman-as-slaves mentality...fug it....not on my lunch, buddy.

..ugh...God forgive me, but I need some privacy...between my parents and chris...its making me totally crazy...NOT TO MENTION everything else that is going on....

Work seems to be the only bastion of sanity for me...the place that only a few weeks ago was the source of stress...funny..how things are all just so relevant...

I need to rest...I feel like I am on the verge of anxiety attacking...shit. What is happening to me????

Tuesday, October 16, 2001

Bon Jour Mon Ami

Rene' called me last night to see how I was doing. I told her what happened with Tommy, and she started freaking out, because she had a similar situation...and she told me she would never be able to sleep if we talked about it.

She is a funny bird, our Rene'....very generous with money, etc...but not with herself. Never generous with her time or emotions....kind of hardened...and when she is nice, there is this aura of phoniness...not necessarily toward me, I can read her like a book, but in general. I guess that comes with the territory if you are sucessful in sales.

I just feel like we will never REALLY be friends, but I guess we REALLY dont need to be, we are co-workers.

Well, I am looking forward to getting back to work. I am going to try to get there early today to catch up from yesterday's little hiatus....I printed out a bunch of ads for apts. in the redbank area...maybe check out a few at lunch time.

Au Revoir!
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY....
"miss scarlet"


Yup...yessireeee....its late...wow...I made though the night without a major trauma...but the night is young..its only 2 am.
I am actually looking forward to a life in a town. Except when its all nasty and slushy...but that wont be for a few more months..and I wont have to worry about digging my car out. HEY! there's a plus. So I get a pair of cozy boots...and trudge. I can take the bus to shrewsbury on nasty days. my kids can walk to school.

Life in the woods, as idealistically romantic and pristine as its interests may appear...does leave a person a bit unprepared for life...and its damned hard for a single woman. But who cares? No one really...thats why I love my blog...I can write all sorts of stupid stuff no one wants to hear....

I am finding again the little light inside...the.."you can do it" light. Any one see the movie, THE WATERBOY? You can do it, bobby buchet! yes.

I havent lived anywhere else but here in 9 years. Thats a long time in one place. But I will make my new place a good cozy home, I know...much cozier than here. Its not cozy in the bombshelter. its cold...sort of forboding...and in the winter..its really a bone-chiller.

Apartments in Red Bank are quite expensive. I know, however, if I stay the course (shit! GB )...keep my eyes peeled...the right place will come up...it will be cool to live there again.

umm...I feel really happy for the first time in many days. Thanks for the prayers, my dear friends...they are working.

Monday, October 15, 2001

SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT

I began learning how to play the acoustic guitar....
Gina started me off with a few chords.
It feels good to make music again.
Music calms the savage beasts.
Its Tough to be a Saint in the City

I cannot begin to tell you all of the unspeakable injustice involved with this car-towing scheme....not only do they FORCE me to have my car impounded when I could have had a family member or friend drive it from the scene...not only do they HOLD the car for 12 hours...and OOPS! sorry....we close at 12...and your time is up at 2....then charge me 2 days storage because these munny grubbin scoundrals are CLOSED...HELLLLLO!!!
What is wrong with this picture?

I feel completely RAPED by these bastards....and their sickeningly smug greaseball girl behind the counter.

Well...in any event....this won't be the last of my woes with the SYSTEM before this is all said and done, I am certain.

Good News...
well, there is none....Tommy went to see his lawyer today regarding his car accident. Things look promising..he hasnt been charged with anything yet.

I cooked a delicious dinner tonight and invited all those who came to my rescue during the weekend.

I wish I could deal with my anger right now...I am coping..but the social injustice is intense...the "act of God" aspects are intense.

Perhaps I need to go back to counselling...figgers...as soon as I get off my meds...Life gets in the WAY....I do feel much better...and am glad I dont need to use drugs or alcohol..I hate alcohol...DEMON RUM!! gets me everytime!!!

Did I ever tell you that I always get caught? Even when I make the feeble attempt at a lie...I get caught. I should know better than to attempt anything illegal or immoral...WHAT WAS I THINKING!!

Its tough to be a Saint in the City...(sorry..bruce)
FARCE

Okay...Okay...Okay...Has my universal debt been paid?

I just woke up. it almost 11:00 am. I spent the later half of last night in the hospital...how much can a single mother of 5 take? Oh..it just keeps on a-comin'.

It was approximately 1:00 a.m. Angela is glued to the telly watching her favorite programme, the enduring, "EastEnders". Suddenly....she feels a bit of an itch on the back of her neck...thinks nothing...then, it speads...until in a matter of 30 odd minutes, her lips, eyes, ears and neck are swollen to "if-you-didnt-know-better-you-would-have-sworn-she-went-for-a-Paris-Lip" proportions. Her body is COMPLETELY covered...not like the itchy welts of a few weeks back...but completely covered with a systemic rash...pin-point...RED, SWOLLEN..all over..even the face.

Needless to say, Ang was HORRIFIED....She began to cry....thinking about a recent cat bite and or her recent trip to NYC..."Do I have Anthrax!!!" was the most prominent concern at the moment...having read many accounts of symptoms...the paranoia set in - in a big way.

Once again...and God Bless her...Beloved friend Gina saved the day. Throwing caution to the wind...she valiently jumps into her trusty grey taurus four-door and braves the weather to arrive in record time to take Angela to the hospital.

After a harrowing journey, our gals arrive...At this point, Angela is on the verge of convulsion, twitching, crying....staring into space all at once. (not an easy nor demure posturing for our Ang). Beloved Freind, being an RN. herself, directs the triage nurse to handle our case PRONTO!! Good ole' Gina.

So they immediately hook her up, take blood, start an IV...pump the gal full of benedryl and some other sort of anti-inflammatory...and they wait. An hour or so later, more types of medication...and they wait. Finally, after 3 hours..things were under control...the rash and swelling left as the arrived...SUDDENLY. It was as if Angela hadn't had this allergic reaction at all...except for the extreme tiredness of staying up all night.

Our gals trudge back...precriptions, work releases and good humor intact. Ahh...at least Angela gets a day off to rest...until she has to go do battle with the car-towing bastards. Stay tuned, Mindstorm fans.

Sunday, October 14, 2001

umm...hi
TEST..am I still functioning? Do my comments work?
YES, IT GETS WORSE.

Suddenly my petty problems are so insignificant. My beloved son was involoved in a fatal car accident...he wasnt hurt but the people who hit his car on a motorcycle were killed instantly. He was making a left hand turn and didnt see them coming...they hit the side of his car with such force that it flipped his vehicle...and they were killed...instantly. Tommy was wearing his seat belt.

I dont know how to react...of course I must stand by my son. The man on the motorcycle was 31 year old father...the other passenger was his girlfriend from out of state...I dont know who they are. I want to call the family and send my condolences and sympathy but I think it might be too soon.

Details are still sketchy. At least tommy wasnt high or drunk...He hasnt been charged with anything yet....I feel so devestated for the families.

I am done with cars.

Saturday, October 13, 2001

I AM SO SCREWED.

Last night had to be the MOST humiliating experiance of my life. Here is my immediate plan. Sell my volvo....since after last night, I will NEVER be able to afford car insurance or the surcharges involoved...for years and years. I probably wont even be allowed to HAVE car insurance in the state of NJ.

Move to a TOWN...out of the woods. Since I wont be able to drive to work..I will need to live near my job. Red Bank is close by...actually, this could be good for me. I could walk to work. Lord knows I need the exercise.

I feel lonely, angry at myself, confused, sad, deeply troubled, scared....I actually had thoughts of suicide today...how many times can I manage to get a fly in the oinment of my life? I am actually able to cry about it...which is a good sign.

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. I am so embarrassed...I just cannot get ANYTHING right...

Thank you, Gina for helping me you are my best friend. I dont know where I would be without you! Thank you Hinge for making an attempt, your care and concern is commendable.

Friday, October 12, 2001

<b>vivaldi flute concerto in D minor and oatmeal.
(two good reasons not to be a political animal today)

Have I become too much of a dark cloud? Last night I reduced these college gals to tears they were begging online forgiveness stating such reasons for thier stupidity as: Im sorry, I am tired...I didnt know what I meant.

Somehow I dont remember being anything but coy in my youth...but perhaps that was because I was usually high and not really caring about anything else...

So, oatmeal...is a beautiful thing...vivaldi is quite uplifting...christopher parkening...on guitar..how about that. or andre segovia..the master. Reasons to cherish music.

Today is the 12th Anniversary of our firm. The partners are providing a luncheon for us all at the Molly in Red Bank....then...after work I am taking the "seastreak" from Atlantic Highlands to Pier 11 in Manhattan...
only 45 minutes! cannot beat that...plus....it will be sunset. I to bring my camera...this could be a great night photographically.

Are you convinced, Gentle Reader? I am not an ANIMAL! (wish I was an animal...just go around...wearing my desires on the outside...and a built in fur coat...)

oh to all the college gals from the midwest..in love with their boyfriends and their puppies....have a NICE day.

Thursday, October 11, 2001

FREE WHITE AND DULL AS A POST.

I cannot believe I have been having an online arguement with dull dopey ditzy know-it-all twenty-something GIRLS about politics....

umm...okay...George W. Bush is our president. Dull Dopey seems to be the order of the night. I cannot even comment on his press conference....I am shocked, stunned and otherwise agog....what the HELL is he doing?
Okay...USA...get back to normal...Jewish ladies...please take your muslim neighbors out SHOPPING?
and...OKAY USA...get back to normal...BUT GUESS WHAT?? ohh the EVIL-DOERS are planning another attack...but dont worry...we have it under control...so HAVE A NICE DAY!

Am I the only person on Earth that thinks this country is being lead by a complete IDIOT? It doesnt matter....he is just a puppet anyway...I think he really needs a new speech writer/guy who gives him the answers to his staged press confrence questions...blah blah blah....

What the HELL....

Tomorrow night I am going into Lower Manhattan to have dinner with Giovanni...no more fear for me...done...over...thats it....keep my cash in a coffee can and carry on.

Check it out...work is GREAT...Rene is teaching me to write loans....hahha...okay, I cannot balance my checkbook..but I can qualify you for hundreds of thousands of dollars in mortgage money...HAAHAHAHA...
She is giving me her commission on all the deals I write up for her...woohoo...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

No way...merry vacation. I hate christmas...I love it..but..I hate the commercialism...BAKED GOODS FOR ALL!! I feel like the Grinch...but sheesh...its such a mess...At least my kids are older now..so I dont need to have my house filled with soon-to-be-thrown-away-in-a-big-green-garbage-bag TOYZ. ahhhh....maybe some nice electronic equipment would suffice...perhaps a family vacation....something like that.

I know its really selfish of me...but since I havent been in a relationship for YEARS...christmas bugs me..I dont get any PRESENTS...whaaaa whaaaa wha....

I am all over the map...good night.

enchante'
enchante' et tu

allora due' capuccino, grazie.
amour mi tesoro, amour
poco italiano che.

I love you with the depth and breathe of my soul.

au damani
tres jolie
tanti baci.

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Rooms to Let...50 cents.

Last night I was thinking about starting a rooming house. Like Room and Board. Three Hots and a Cot..(oh wait...I think they call that JAIL). Some kind of Mayberry thing. But anyway...I have all these rooms, my brother is in one. I could consolidate John and Pherrin into Kates room and rent out the other two. I think it would be cool...plus, since my brother lives here, it wouldnt be like I would have to worry so much about dangerous situations.

Check it out....meals and a bed...how much is that worth I wonder. Homecooking and clean sheets.
Artists only.

I felt like CRAP today...On my way home from work I started feeling really dizzy...I came home and immediately took a hot shower...then passed out on my bed for an hour or so. I dont know what the deal is. I am so dizzy and ache-ee. But my hair smells and feels great....I smell great...dont feel great. feel bad.

There is so much I want to say but never enough time to say it without ten thousand interruptions. I was reading a blog from a guy who thinks his life is really depressing and dull. Isnt that funny? I think he has a cool life...cool job, cool apartment..he is talented, intelligent, funny as hell..but its all relevant. I keep asking this person to go do stuff with me, but he never wants to, always making up excuses. THEN when I say I did this or that...they say..."why didnt you call me?" Well, how many times can a person ask without thinking..OK...this person doesnt want to associate with me...??? The world may never know... and I will ask again...I am certain. Or maybe...he will ask me? novelle idea..that.

Maybe I am just used to spontaneous people. I like to just DO stuff like NOW....go with the spirit of the moment....! Just Bring It....Go for it..do it.

One day, Laura and I decided to walk from Avon to Ocean Grove by the boards. We walked up, had lunch, did some shopping. I bought an antique "hutch" (danish modern) for my kitchen....and suddenly we noticed how late we were and the kids would be coming home..etc. etc. So we call a cab...but it was going to take the guy 20 minutes to pick us up..sheesh! So we start walking back...and Laura decides to hail a Monmouth SCAT bus..hehehehe...we begged the woman to give us a ride..but she insisted we had to be senior citizens.... Laura is so funny like that. She will ask any one any thing...strike up a conversation with anyone. Amazingly friendly.

Another afternoon she and I were out driving...and we stopped when we heard this awesome salsa music coming from the gazebo in Bradley...we stopped and cha-cha-ed with the best of em...

Thats the kind of goofy days I like....Some people are planners. I have never been a good planner. I am thinking about moving to Europe again. Ireland this time...maybe a rooming house in Ireland....how does that sound?

ummm...tonight I made some nice hearty soup and grilled cheese sandwiches on multigrain bread...and...MY FAV...homemade rice pudding..I love that!!! Tea Time...cozy up time...
10.10....

Today is the anniversary of an event that changed the course of my life. "The Kiss" So important, Rodin created a sculpture.

Have you ever fallen instantly in love? It happened to me one Saturday morning. Chatting in a parking lot in Manasquan...with an aquaintance of mine (guy). Suddenly, out of nowhere, he kissed me. And the world stopped turning...for a split second...

This was the most profound experience. I didnt know what to do...so I just said...uhhhh....okay...uhhh...bye. Got into my car and went home. He didnt have my telephone number. We didnt even know each others last names. I couldnt stop thinking about that kiss...all weekend. I remember discussing it with Beloved Friend Gina...and she made a valiant attempt at explaining...."oh come on...it was just a kisssssss...big deal...it happens...." I know it happens...but I fell instantly in love with someone I barely knew....

He was waiting for me at the Allenwood Post Office on Tuesday. (Monday was Columbus Day....no work) This was the other place we had seen each other...in passing...in cars. I noticed him...and he noticed me.

He came up to me and just said...."I dont know what to do...." and I said..."neither do it" or maybe it was..."what happened" or perhaps we were speaking in toungues...I have no idea...it was one of those moments when the souls speak...words have no meaning nor consequence.

The point is....I will always remember this because....it was the first time falling in total love at first sight...being on the total same page....feeling EXACTLY the same as someone else...Not Lust...not any sort of motives...other than finding a soul that perhaps I had a relationship in a past life with. I dont even believe in that...but it was so strong...from out of the blue...

Long Story short....after 2 years...he knocked up some woman he barely knew and married her...I was devestated....It took me 3 years to get over it....I dont even know if I am over it. Yeah..sure I am....Its one of those things.

Love...once you are there...you never REALLY get over it...but you can LEARN from it...honor it for what it is and next time try not to make the same mistakes...or just maybe next time there wont BE any mistakes....I dunno....

I have never been sucessfully IN LOVE...so I am not an authority on the subject.

One thing I have learned....love forgives. Love has no pride. Only our shitty humanity wants to play head games.
Charlie asked my forgiveness....but my pride wouldnt give it.

Good Blog, Gone Bad.

I am testing this. My blogs of yore are here on my edit page but not published. So let me test...already.
Its a Quarter till Tomorrow.

I chatted out all my good blog material with Mike and Gina. Dude...I dont get it....

Seems I have lots of MINDSTORMS fans. hehee thats cool.
Ummm..life is sure a funny thing. I love it. I love waking up and facing daily challenges.
I took care of BUSINESS at the BANK OF NEW YORK! I am victorious!!

I am still considering the coffee-can method of savings. I mentioned it to some money folks at work..and oddly enough, they told me that LOTS of people are doing the very same thing these days. wHoA!

Shhoooooo I mentioned Jeanne's theorys to my parents...and they cut though it all at the mention of OIL. They looked at me and said...OF COURSE IT IS...Desert storm was the same thing....Jeanne has come up with some awesome research...my, my, my....

War of Ignorance.
Kills the youngest

I cannot write any longer thinking of how ruthless our rulers are...and I am not talking about our elected officials...they dont rule anything...damn. I think these are the last days.

P.S. Today I was a Bombshell. Bombshell days are good. Bombshells get noticed. Bombshells are Strong.

Okay... I can just focus on being...a tiny spot in a great big universe. Find me.

Tuesday, October 09, 2001

wooo hooo!!

Cool. I was just invited to go to a U2 concert on Oct 28 and then Bob Dylan on Nov. 19. yeah! Last time I saw U2 was in like....1980 or something...when they first came over from Ireland with "I will follow" I saw them in The Fast Lane in Asbury Park...I will never forget looking at Bono and the Edge...thinking..whoa..these guys are really good.

I havent been to a MAJOR music event since...sheesh...1994? maybe? I went to see the Grateful Dead. Good thing. Jerry died the next year.
THE INSIDER

One of my most dear friends has been doing a massive amount of research on the US involvement with terrorism in our own country. If any one is interested...contact me. I tried to paste her writing to my blog but i am unable to. Most informative. If I have time later I would like to rewrite the content here. For the meantime...do contact me..its extremely interesting...eye-opening.
Until later, Gentle Reader.

Monday, October 08, 2001

Tony Blair is HOT
enuff said.

no, not enuff..never enuff...wont she ever shut up?
Gina and I jumped in the maroon volvoraider and tore up Route 9 till we couldnt go anymore. Suddenly...there it was...the naked sky line.

Where are our brothers? Our symbols? Our twins....uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Gina started hyperventalating a bit.. and tied up her hair. I was scared. planes were flying into Newark really low to the highway one was right on top of us...Gina made the sign of the cross. I had to concentrate deeply on driving.

We were unable mentally to go into the city...so we opted for Bayonne. Bayonne is really quaint. We found an unmarked bar and went in. The jolliest man was there....John DeCeasare. He had the kindest brown eyes and shock of white hair. He would be the most wonderful grandpa in the world. We took a bunch of photos of him...and the rest of the old cronies at Massa's Tavern.....With promises to send him copies...and stopped back again sometime...but to call first so he could have a party for us....sheesh..he was the sweetest man. 536 Avenue A, Bayonne NJ.

Then we went to another spot called Hendricksons. It was this Bavarian-themed place...very authentic looking.... but the food was AWFUL. Since we didnt know too much about Bayonne...we sort of left after lunch....but we had a blast with the locals hanging out at the Candy Store..just chillin' taking photos..having a few laughs. Listening to Old Bob Dylan and New Lucinda Williams...and the Carpenters...

Then the strangest thing happened...while we were driving home past Newark Airport...a US AIR flight was coming in for a landing....and just a bit off the ground...suddenly and quickly PULLED BACK up into a take off.....freaked us right the hell out. I wonder what happened.

It was really a shocker...damn. I dont know how people can go inside and look..or work...or anything. I am glad to be back home...cooking spinach fettucine and chicken francaise...baked an apple nut cake...hot tea.. switched on the heat...its cozy..its homey...its HOME...
Warning...this blog contains foul language.
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
Thats it. Its over...I am finished with society...especially banks.
I am going underground. no more trails...I am keeping my money is a coffee can under my bed.

RAT BASTARDS!!!!!!!!
The Bank of New York totally RIPPPPPPED me off. Tomorrow morning....ahh tomorrow morning....I am confronting Patty at the Shrewsbury branch...who told me she straightened EVERYTHING OUT....no dumb ass..you did NOT do what you promised...and the FUCKING bank rippppppppped me off for 400 bucks this month on your FUCKING errors.....making my life a miserable embarressing HELL....making me pay services charges to my creditors for BOUNCED checks that should NOT have bounced.

Lookie here...on my bank statement the checks are marked PAID...then...a large check comes in...so they RETRACT the 2 smaller checks (so they can make their FUCKING MONEY) and pay the larger check...then bounce the same checks again 2 days later....so they can make another 60 bucks off me....and HELLO!@!!!!!!

okay....its over. bye. Going to go to Princeton or maybe the Columbus Day Parade in NYC....and not spend any money...which totally SUX.

At least I dont live in Afganistan....at least I have a job....at least I have a life....BUT THATS IT....I am going underground.

Sunday, October 07, 2001

oh yeah...one more thing.
Who wants to go day-tripping tomorrow?
CUSP OF HAPPINESS

I could write a poem a lyric...any time...but..like Laura said...."Ang, you are just not yourself these past few days"

WHAT is it.
Is it the WAR?
Is it the LONLINESS?

umm...tell you a secret. I weaned myself off my meds. I actually have feelings now. I feel creative. I feel deep. I am not going through life wearing rose-colored glasses. I like having reality back. Too bad I am not "with" anyone....cuz other WOW feelings are also back....

It was helpful to be seretonally enhanced for the past 5 years....but I am a whole person now....I dont want it...I dont need it....My doc told me I have been on it for WAY too long. It served its purpose when I was getting sober...going through a divorce...being poor and hopeless for a time...it helped. But I am ME now...I am ANGELA the best version ever.

I can see things...I can see for miles...through things like x-ray. Ang X Rae.
I see myself...I see my life...its really pretty good.

I have no trappings.
I want no trappings.

Looking around...at the problems of the world. Looking around at the problems of my family and friends. umm...heck, I am so blessed....Thank you Lord. In fact..as I write...I am suddenly elated with the possiblities of my life...Betcha I could do ANYTHING...go ANYWHERE...well, not Afganistan...for the moment, but you know what I mean...

I am on the cusp of something....cusp of happiness.
WAR LIVE

Hey Everybody....lets watch the WAR on CNN!!
(heavy sarcasm)
ugh. pray for the woman and children.
I feel like a moron for blogging about body hair.
Patience and Tolerance
Patience and Tolerance
Patience and Tolerance
Patience and Tolerance


Okay..now I can write. I want to RANT but I will WRITE.

No reason. None. I dont have a reason to be non-cheerful. Reasons to be cheerful, part 3

I need to just calm down, look around....leaves are turning...its a beautiful day...cool breeze at my back....
AND I JUST SCRUBBED A HUMID SUMMERS WORTH OF MOLD AND MILDEW (AND THE ODORS THEY CAUSE) OFF MY BATHROOM CEILING....

AND MY &$%#+!!! BROTHER HAS MORE BODY HAIR LEFT IN MY SHOWER THAN IS LEFT GROWING ON HIS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wont even date a guy with body hair and now I am stuck with a shedding fat man...and there is NOTHING I CAN DO!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......
PATIENCE...and TOLERANCE.....okay..okay..there is an opportunity to be a better person here....ahhhhhh.....
Okay...okay..its not that bad. There is an opportunity to be generous, cheerful, kind, loving...okay...okay...

Service. Service.....

yah, ya know...everybody is so concerned with other people..."getting over" on them. ahhh so what. I dont subcribe. Be Cool....he is my brother. I have been alone for such a while, it just takes getting used to having a guy in the house. He's a cool guy. Hes funny....he is mellow. He is helpful. Hes a GOOD PERSON. And...its not forever.

WELL. I accomplished many tasks this morning...I am happy. TOMORROW is gonna be MY DAY!!!!!!!!! hooooray! I want to finish all of my STUFF to get ready for the week..and tomorrow....I am gonna sneak outta my world and GO DO....GO BE....ME. Not somebodys MOMMY, or SISSY, or DAUGHTER, or EMPLOYEE....

umm...what to do...where to go....*wink* call me.

Saturday, October 06, 2001

Capitalism with a Captial COSTCO.

WELL. I am NEVER doing that again! Raining ALL DAY...so the cool outdoor events I had planned are for naught. My sister in law asked me if I would like to go to COSTCO with her. (for those of you who do not know what a COSTCO is...I will breifly explain that it is a grocery store for GIANTS)

I was shocked and appalled. WHY on EARTH do people need to buy products in such BULK? and the WORST part is...all of these perfect-looking suburbanites think they are actually SAVING money by doing this. Laura and I figured out that its actually LESS expensive to buy the items individually...instead of all this LARGE-NESS. Who needs to buy gigantic containers of Hellman's Mayonaisse? OK, if you are running a lunch counter, I could see it...but for the average Joe and Jane American...christ, I barely use one normal container of mayo a year. Sheesh...and the bakery products! GIANT PIES. WHO Eats these things? the most perplexing thing to me was...how exactly do you serve a pie that in 18inches in circumference? Everything was so BIG and Overwhelming...I dont like it. Not one little bit.

THere was a bright spot, however....I found a series of cookbooks written by Lorenza Di Medici...(yes, those Di Medicis) and the photographs of Italy were so spactacular...I was moved to tears...right there in the middle of the most bombastic marketplace...I was transported to another place and time...I time of beautiful joy, complete satisfaction...total human experiance....my love for Italy.

I have memories that are so dear that I am unable to remember them without emotional upstarts....Good and Bad...Last night I was chatting just for a few brief moments with someone I really care about...and I just felt totally moved...I dont know why....I dont know what to do. ahh me. I need a nap.
EL-A-VA-SHUN.

its one in the morning. I am listening to a Halloween Party Mix....namely, the MONSTER MASH...with my retarded nephew who is sleeping over...he is dancing and making faces at me...He just told me his mom would like to have this CD.

Last year we had a Halloween party...kids party....it was the best halloween party ever....we did it all.

Danny just asked me if I was married. I said no. He said, I will marry you, angie...hey, got that going for me....
Johnnie just asked me if I would teach him to break dance. uuuuhhh....I regret to inform you I do not know how to break dance.

How long could two cousins stay up on a friday night? The world may never know. oh no..its the Village People.

Well...seriously, folks.
Gina informed me that she found an Alvarez guitar for me at Jacks in RB....guess I will purchase.

SO many cool things happening tomorrow.
Gallery without Walls in AP
Art Walk in RB
Family Drum Circle in RB
October Festival in OG
Lots of funstuffforkids....TOO MUCH FUN FOR ONE SATURDAY.

Tonight I ventured to "BE" in AP. Had a long chat with the curator, Michelle.....very cool girl with lots of vision....
All day today I felt like a refugee....displaced....discombobluated....disturbed....demented. Like I was on Acid...walking through my life as a spectator.

"PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DIE OF WANT" .....irish girl from Londonderry, Northern Ireland...who lived with us two summer in the 70's. Its late....I want bed...I want...I want.......you know what I want.

Thursday, October 04, 2001

Today was a full day.
Today I was front and center
Today I got my point across fearlessly in a staff meeting.
Me. The lowly assistant...the only one with utzpah enough to speak up when all the other managers were silent. I ROCK!!!!
Rene was almost in tears....she was so angry at the way Larry was patronizing her. I wouldnt let him do it to me....he was PISSED and I actually apologized to him. I dont want to bore you all with the details, but basically and amazingly...I have become really valued by this company. They are fighting over me like the last crumb on a desert island.

Hey, Larry told me..take the bull by the horns and DIRECT. So I am...screw it...he gave me a fat raise to exert my authority...so JUST BRING IT!

ANYWAY enough about that. Tonight I had fun with my beloved friend Gina. I was supposed to meet my friend Tony for coffee at Starbucks in Sea Girt..but he had to work late, so I called Gina and said...."Lets GO" we had fun at Starbucks...Fun at Williams Sonoma. I bought some Rosemary Soap..its awsome! and these little teak condiment bowls...I need a new mortar and pestle ...to grind my spices...for the condiment bowls..hehehe...Then we went to Andy's for a Pelligrino water and home. Nice night!

One of these days I want to take a road trip to Princeton and shop around...its SO amazing there in autumn. So intelligent...so refined. I am awe struck by the chapel...its my favorite place to pray...well, in NJ. there were some incredible cathedrals in Italy obviously...duomo in Milano...for one..etc. etc...There was this small chapel I visited on the Island of Merano in the Adriatic...the most mystical place. Full of bones and skulls. WE have such a different view of death here...but that would take an entire other blog to explain.

Is there anyone in the world that understands me? Yikes, I am starting to feel terminally unique....Anyone wanna go to Princeton with me? You have to shop, though...in kitchen stores...and music stores...and odd design stores. and go to chapels...and sit in squares and drink coffee..and eat maki rolls....have intelligent conversation and look at the leaves.
Keep the Focus on Me

I am starting to think too much about other peoples lives. Like my brother, for instance. And oddly enough, its really fun to read other peoples blogs and figure thier shit out. Like this guy named Chris from Arizona (my brother's name is Chris too)...he is my age...and is totally in love with this girl from the phillipines, whom I am guessing is REALLY young....her parents dont seem to trust him..and well..this is all just what I had read between the lines of his blog. He is unemployed, his ex-wife terrorizes him, his kids are on the road to being basket-cases cuz of the ex...and he is totally "in love" with this young gal....whom by all rights shouldnt be getting involved with him....but whatever.

Its just that I feel really lucky that I am starting to grow up at the ripe old age of 39. Sadly, I can see how things are going to turn out, just by sheer life experiance.

HOWEVER.....this is not GOOD. Everyone deserves the chance to make thier own mistakes....maybe they will be the one in a million that gets it right. This is how greatness is born.

Holy Moley...could it be that I am getting....da, da, da. dunnnn.....JADED? No! not me! I still believe in love-at-first-sight....(but most of the time its....LUST at first sight)..but there is that percent of true love at first sight experiences. (but most of the time, its UNREQUITED love at first sight....) NOOOO!! no! really...there has to be really that WHOLE LOVE THANG at first sight....Like that new movie SERENDIPITY....man, thats what I want. sheesh....I better go work out so that John Cusack will fall in love with me and all.

What the HELL am I talking about? I dunno....but all I know is...NEVER SETTLE! but be kind....everyone has a heart....and only love can break your heart....try to be sure right from the start. (oh...my....GAWD....she is breaking into Neil Young lyrics!!! Quick, someone get the needle and the damage done....)

Gotta GO.
Gotta-b-Me
wish I knew who that was! I think I am starting to..and its mostly because I am alone....not ALONE but not in a relationship...lets say.

You know...I feel badly for people who HAVE to BE with SOMEONE all the time. I was like that for years and years...I thought that was just the way it had to be...my identity....who I was dating...married to...etc.

Sometimes I listen to people complain about their relationships and I really wonder. I dont think I have ever stayed in with someone who was an asshole....(except my second husband...but that was a myriad of dysfunction...years of therapy later...) Lots of times, I was the baddie too.

But NOW...I look at the whole thing in a new way. Like..LOVE ME>>>>LOVE MY CAT! (ok, I have a cat, his name is Ned...but I am not all that attached to him) Its more like....I dont think (cuz ya neva know, honey) I will compromise myself to obtain the affection and or admiration of a member of the opposite sex...ever again.

Do you want to know why? because, I am starting to LIKE myself....and my opinions, views..I feel really happy too....nice.

Doing well at work has helped me....writing in my blog has REALLY helped me. Its so healthy to write. I enjoy the creative outlet...and so many people compliment me on it..and that makes me feel elated! ELAN!

I have monday off from work (hooray!) and when I return on tuesday...my NEW workstation will be all set for me! hehhee...perks!..out of the cube and into a station. I will be able to SWIVEL my new chair with my legs straight out..and not hit my wastepaper basket...boxes, files...cpu...etc..etc...I can finally put up some personal touches...not just my Salvadore Dali calendar. I love to listen to people talk about fine art..that have NO CLUE..hehehe its fun.

You know what I am gonna do? I am going to keep a fresh flower in a vase on my "station" at all times. Every Monday I will go out and buy the most exquiste flower I can find to enjoy all week.

Tuesday, October 02, 2001

EMOTIONAL OVER LOAD

My parents just came home...a day early. Oh my...my Dad looks so emaciated. hes so thin, his clothes are falling off him. How could this disease take a robust renaissance man and turn him into a shell of himself...
Gotta love him though, he couldnt wait to tell us all about his new chain saw, and all the wood he was going to cut for us for our winter fireplace....hes so cute....but we all know...hes not cutting down any more trees...

Hunter Dan stopped by and brought my son John his old army helmet to play with. Apparently he had stopped over on John's birthday Sept. 1, and asked him what he would like...I didnt know this. Sweet of Dan to remember John. Danny is a major cancer survivor. He is my age....almost DIED a few years ago...he is just fine now...but he cant eat anything....it goes right through him...oh man...I asked him to stay for dinner...and he gave me this song and dance...now I remember what he told me...he has nothing inside..anything he eats goes through him like lightening....Last year I gave him a HUGE container of WHEY protein...just to keep him going for awhile.

Man, I cannot even think about the world anymore. I miss my friend Hinge. I just think he is mondo cool... I was deleting a bunch of old messages off my voice mail at work, and I had saved a few of his...really long ones. I felt really melancoly when I heard his voice. I couldnt even listen to them. We never spoke by voice after this disagreement we had back in July...I mean, we write occassionally...but its not the same. I think we could have been good friends...Its odd when you dont really know someone, yet they affect you in a profound way.

One day I hope to tell Hinge that I know why we met and how our friendship changed my life for the better...He taught me that people need to be themselves.... people...I thought I trusted people, but there is this suspicious nature in me...that I needed to be called on....and I was. A few of my charactor defectes were brought acutely to the surface....and I was willing to change them...hence become a more whole woman...more confident woman... a woman who is self-reliant even in tough emotional situations...its a GOOD THING. Thank you...I hope one day I can call you my friend, Hinge.

Absolute power corrupts.

I am sitting in my office right now, listening to two republicans discuss the history of war. Putting down Islamics in Chicago..what?!!

I am so glad I am not a Republican Man. too much burden being "RIGHT" all the time...oi vay!

I better go home before I start spouting....talk to you later.

Monday, October 01, 2001

Historically.....WAR IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY
One of the partners at my firm said that today...to a Korean woman.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, nothing...if you work in the world of money...as I do.
Kind of Ironic...I work in the world of money...but I have none...and I dont really want a lot of it...I still think it is the root of all evil.

Sick phrase. AND...War is good for the economy...just bad for humanity...I should have chimed in...which would have been my style at 10 am after a cuppa few a java...but it was 5:30...and I was wanting out...not a debate...

Too much DRAMA. I hope against all hope that the sun come out tomorrow. The moon is full....my period is late...my brother just put another phone line in the house....could cable modem be far behind? why though...2 phone numbers, no waiting...plus I did just buy the US ROBOTICS modem.

I am rambling..good night mindstormers...until yon light upon my window breaks.
Rain Reigns Supreme...

Its been raining for a few days now....and its COLD outside. Its Monday. Im not feeling to wonderful at the moment, kind of blah..like i wish I could go back to bed.

My brother moved into my house on Saturday. Oh well, at least its good to have another adult around...

My parents are coming up from Florida for a few weeks. They arrive on Wednesday. Too many people!!
I imagine its better than no people at all. I am just not in the mood to entertain all these folks. My parents like to sit around and socialize....which is nice if you are 65 and retired.

As you can tell I am not in a very good mood at all. I almost want to stay home from work...I just feel like being a mole...living in a hole....not very BOMBSHELL of me....hahhaa...I had to laugh last night when I was out with the kids...I felt awful...like a FRUMP...it was raining...I like the rain when I dont have to do major grocery shopping....but last night wasnt one of those nights.

Well, I suppose I should light a fire and get out of here. ciao for now...

Sunday, September 30, 2001

B O M B S H E L L S....rule.

I am thinking about classic "bombshell" women...and how being a bombshell might not be so bad...especially these days. I am getting tired of wearing black and mourning. I did take the plunge and buy flamboyant colors for fall....and well..the haircut...which could easily become bombshell-esque.

Point-being...I was checking how far my own personal style was off the mark with "STYLE" in general...and oddly enough, I sort of matched up...big patterns, big color. Not that I go around this way all the time...but its my inner bombshell...my core mood....and what the heck, ITS FUN.

I think the world needs a bit of deversion now. I noticed so much BLACK yesterday. Hey, I like black...black is black....but I think society..especially children need to see some color...some fluff...some fun....someone who loves people, animals, smells nice and smiles a lot.

Lets not let our impending "Doom" dominate and permiate all aspects of our lives. Show correct respect...love, embrace all the colors of our society....

Saturday, September 29, 2001

SATURDAY IS MY FAVORITE DAY!!!

Its always been that way. So, this morning..I got up early, took a shower, fixed my new hair...and went to Manasquan for my favorite meeting....then home....I told my kids..."lets clean up and get outta here" I cooked them a non-macrobiotic breakfast...(I had soyprotein and apple juice) homemade homefries..eggs any style and various fruits and juices...etc.

I tried to get Beloved Friend to come along...but she had to work. Pherrin, John and I went to Red Bank and shopped...at my fav MonArc Thrift...(they were not up for they challenge,...so they baled to TOYMASTERS) Then we had a nice lunch at the Broadway (not my first choice by far..but they like it....) Then off to Funk and Standard...(They thought it was scary..sheesh..go figure) Prowns...(they love Prowns) I bought a very cool stainless steel 4 part vegetable steamer..and a mop head. Then Restoration Hardware...I had never been there before, always wanted to go and enjoyed it....they had some cool European kitchen stuff...like this gigantic squeegie mop thing...and hampers on wheels. but anyway...bought johnnie a compass....so he could tell us where we were going for the rest of the day...off to Jack's Music...and shopping for eyeglass frames...anyway..we wound up at Starbucks...(and I hate Starbucks...but one of those things you do for the ones you love)...all and all it was lots of fun...I found a few nice treasures at the thrift...and the kids got this and that...mechanical pencils...compasses...whatevers...Johnnie thought Red Bank was more exciting than New York City. Well, its safer, lets say...kinda like Disneyland.

PHerrin thought the people were WEIRD and STRANGE LOOKING (she is so antiseptic) But Johnnie quickly told her..."People who look the same are the WEIRD ones." (hes so cool)

So now...I am getting them Dominos pizza...and I think I will eat steamed broccoli..et al.
chow chow chow....
Saturday night at the OLD MOVIES on channel Thirteen! Hey....it might be dull...but I like it.

Friday, September 28, 2001

-Bancha Twig-

Its 5am. I have been awake since 4am. I did the dishes, folded laundry, brewed some bancha twig tea.
I cannot even believe I am saying this...but I dont have the desire for coffee, meat or sugar. Something about this Macrobiotic diet...Its so good for you. Hope I dont digress back to my old ways.

Work was absolute chaos yesterday. This entire week was chaotic. I am sooooooooooo glad its FRIDAY. I think my welts are healing up. Taking the HOT shower was not a good idea, so I have come to find out from reliable medical sources.

Health Food Stores crack me up. Talk about price gouging. Good thing I know how to cook. Sheesh!
I am getting my hair cut today. I dont know what to do with it. I am thinking about BANGS. Or maybe I will cancel again. NAH...I need a change. I have too much hair. Its so heavy. I have too much of everything...larger than life.

Join me in a cup of freshly brewed Bancha Twig Tea...won't you?

Thursday, September 27, 2001

Old Glory...

You know...I noticed something. I am the only person wearing the red/white/blue ribbon in my office now. Man, people just go with the fad and then..poof..passe'...Back to who had the nicest lawn, fastest car...how about that new store at the mall?

Really makes me sad. Our society is so fleeting...even with the death and destruction around us....oh well. Maybe they are holding these truths to be self-evedent..in thier hearts. One can only hope.

They banned people from gawking and taking pictures of Ground Zero. Good thing...may they rest in peace. I hope they dont rebuild anything on that site except a memorial.

Wednesday, September 26, 2001

DAY OF ATOINMENT...

To all my Jewish friends..happy atoining. Well...I was an oozing mess all day at work..finally at 2pm I couldnt stand it any longer so I popped a benedryl...then all hell broke loose because those things get me high. Rene' and I were laughing at the silliest things. It was fun really.

The president of the company gave me his box seats for sundays Giants vs. Saints game at the meadowlands. I dont even like football, but what the heck..I will take my son Johnnie. I have never been to a professional football game. Guess its good to try new things.

So I finally make it home....into the shower IMMEDIATELY...I turn the water on as HOT as I could stand and just let those oozing welts open up and DRAIN...ahhhhhhhhhh nirvana....then..after that....I poured hydrogen peroxide into all of them..watched it bubble out all the rest of the infection. after patting dry...I applied this excellent topical ointment I bought in France...its really strong..heals up any infection...so for the moment...I am swaddled in linen and not itching.

I am eating the strangest thing right now....bite sized shredded wheat and a blob of natural peanut butter. Aside from being a bit dry...it is quite tasty....hahahha...

Something strange happened today also. I was working on 2 loans for some afgani nationals...who decided not to go through with the deals right before the DEAL WENT DOWN (9-11) They are GONE no forwarding address.....freaked me and patty RIGHT the hell out. Strange deal...we were doing a special product..no income no asset verification...the guy had a TON of cash in the bank...and he was a hotdog vendor in the city...not a citizen..had a green card and a vendors license. Normally, we would need to see the paper trail for the money..etc..but..not with this specific product. He pulled out, like I mentioned earlier...without a trace.
So scary...murderers amongst us...

Anyway..time for more benedryl. My favorite shows are on tonight.. West Wing and Law and Order..ehhee..cannot wait...(Geez...am I THE most pathetic person on the planet?)
love, angela
ITCHY and SCRATCHY SHOW...

AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! Its one fifteen...I am up again...scratching...I HATE THIS!!! My entire body now is covered with ooozing welts....its sooo itchy...wahhhh wahhhh....I cannot sleep ...its so horrible.

WHY..everytime I try to do something good for myself...myself reacts negatively. I start a new diet and break out in hives.....THATS NOT RIGHT!! Maybe when I was walking in the woods I contracted something...but why would it be EVERYWHERE....ughhh...

I guess my luck was tooo good for too long...now I have to suffer awhile. yin and yang...keep myself down. Well..I just took more benedryl. I dont know how I am going to be able to STAND work tomorrow. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT...HELLLP!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2001

NOT AGAIN!

ohh my. Another awful day. First the kids school had a delayed opening because of a power shortage...so again I was LATE for work...Work was totally insane..then the bumps...itcy bumps..by the time I got home I was a scratching mess.

Straight for the pharmacy I head...now I am on benedryl..and wayyy woooozzzie... i took an excellent oatmeal bath and gave myself a botanical facial...now I am exhausted and sleepy....So I think I will turn in...its only 8:15 pm..but I dont care.

Hoping tomorrow is better.
buono notte caras
GOOD MORNING WORLD!

cool. I went to bed at 9 pm last night...read some of my new (not really new..picked up gentley used hardcovers at the MonArc Thrift last week....) John Grisham novel(he is my fav dime-store variety novelist)..and drifted off into a delicious slumber...until 11pm...when beloved friend called to discuss the state of her marriage, but I was so out of it...all I remember saying is..."Are you alright?" She was crying. I must call her today....I would call her now...but I know she is sleeping..DOH!

So I woke up again at 3 am...my daughter Pherrin was awake, unable to get back to sleep and since she is the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE...she had to wake me up to tell me she couldnt sleep....Prime example of WHAT NOT TO DO...ugh...KIDS...

Anyway...I woke up at 6 am...and I am itchy. covered with itchy bumps....must be the nightshade vegtables I ate last night. Too much tomato gives me a skin rash...and I made an excellent vegetarian chili last night...loaded with nightshade..green peppers and tomatoes....ironic...in the macrobiotic diet you are to AVOID nightshade vegtables...now I know why....everything you eat is totally important...to nurish a certain aspect. I had been warned about the "deadly nightshade"!!!

Well, the first wave of children are out to school...time to wake up sleepy johnnie...ciao for now!

Monday, September 24, 2001

MONDAY...what happened here?

I woke up this morning..in my bed for a change...at 5:45 am....one kid to the left of me..one kid to the right....Now I remember why I never sleep in my bed....but anyway...

It was a good morning...I always listen to classical music when I wake up...then downstairs to NPR where I get pissed off..so I decided not to listen today...

Today I started Muchio Kuchi's Macrobiotic Way...interesting stuff. I bought his book about 5 years ago...but never really understood it...I have been reading it all weekend..and decided to give it a go...I feel better already. Its a total mind/body/soul rejuventation..lifestyle change thing....

Its like drinking and smoking...I had to be sick and tired of feeling like crap...basically because I was eating MEAT again...being way too sedenary..turning into something I dont want to be...so here we go...fasten your seat belts..

TODAYS observations...

Okay..so back to the excellent morning I had...until I put on my new silk jumper...and went to get into my car..and took one last swig of coffee...and the top wasnt screwed on tight enough...and BLAMO! black coffee all over red silk...ewwww....so of course I had to go back inside and change.....scramble..scramble...find a wide wale cordouroy jumper...throw it on...back to the car..get in...and NO POWER!! battery dead again...sheesh!

Okay...into the garage...I seem to recall my dad having a battery charger thingie...okay! yeah..there it is...trudge..trudge...extension cord..YES there is a GOD...wow..that worked GREAT...I was up and running in no time...HOWEVER..I was already LATE for work...bummer...but thats ok....Today was RENE'S birthday..so I bought a card..and we all took turns writing funny stuff in it....I scotch taped a wild flower to the envelope.

THEN...work work work...leave early to take the girls to the orthodontist...ok..fine..over..done..need another cup a coffeee....go to wawa...on rt.37..check it out...

The funniest thing I saw all day..better than the REALLY obese lady with the tattoos..
The migrant farm worker...with a broken finger...talking on a pay phone in Spanish...wearing a shirt that stated...
"ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING" heheheee....absolutely!

Have a pleasant evening.

Sunday, September 23, 2001

AMERICAN TERRORIST

Finally someone has put into words the disgust I feel towards these "AMERICANS". Diane Miller, a professor at the University of Alabama...I just heard a piece she wrote on NPR describing the attitude increasing prevelent in our society.

It appears...those who wave the flag the widest and highest need to keep thier motives in check. According to Dr. Miller...and I paraphrase: A sikh gas station attendant wearing a turban which is mandated by his religion, sikhism.....was shot dead because he was mistaken for an Arab....when the murderer was detained...he claimed himself to be AMERICAN through and though...

What she is saying here...those who claim to be defending the flag the most earnestly...are the very same who would have nothing to defend if our culture did NOT embrace and allow the FREEDOMS of many...this is what the constitution is all about.

It is about time someone questions the motivation of all this flag-waving..DONT GET ME WRONG....I have a flag unfurled in front of my house..I wear a red/white/blue ribbon...I have a flag on my car....

ALAS!!! Do not use the flag to breed HATE!!! Honor our flag for what is stands for... FREEDOM.
This is what is under attack. In the middle east...the middle class...is embracing American culture and moving away from traditional Islamic tennets. Baywatch and Fancy Clothes are the order of the day....this does not sit well will the powers that be. AND...the USA and Israel are moving too close to the Holy Places ie: West Bank conflicts...theatening Islams sacred shrines...hey...I am just explaining...

One other sidebar...very interesting...I am certain that Mr. Bush is going to have to make a few shady deals AGAINST ISRAEL. He will have to to gain the support of the Arab nations he so desparately needs.
We may not see it now..but I will bet in 9 months or so...we will see some type of withdrawl of support for Israel.

Its all bad. Its all hate...but you know...we need to question the motives...not just go around blindly...hiding behind patriotism/grief/anger/intense emotionalism.....FORGETTING our FREEDOMS are for ALL AMERICANS. Freedom of speech..freedom of religion...etc. and so on. Not just for the white faces.

Saturday, September 22, 2001

Erase every shadow of every shadow of a trace...

Of what they took from us.

She will never be the same...
She walks, like a visitor in her pristine world...
it looks Status Quo....but we know better, still.

Long strides down the strip mall...skirts sway
heels click-clack on the payment...arms swings
hair alights on even the smallest breeze...

look...lnto her eyes.
Sadness where once was Laughter
Fear where once was Love
Humility where once was Strength

No smile adorns her graceful mouth
just the same solemn stare...lips pursed
Jaw clenched. Waiting for what's next...

Inside...her pain...
untouchable unbelieveable unexplainable..
Loss Grief Anxiety Panic...

she is alone, yet linked through her heart to many.
She will never be the same.
No more Miss America Tonight

Erase every shadow of every shadow of what they took from us.
Singapore Sling....

Okay..so I get up this morning and I check my email. There is a note from my brother. He tells me he is in Singapore. uhhh..ok. I mean, he is a muslim...and he has lots of ties with the muslim community in Singapore. He has lived there on and off throughout the past 15 years.

Well, he is supposed to move into my house on the first of October to save money. WHY IS HE IN SINGAPORE? How about getting yourself and apartment, bro...instead of travelling the world. Sheesh...he was in New Orleans 2 weeks ago. I don't like this...not one little bit. Odd note...he came last weekend and asked to store a bunch of boxes in my garage....CREEPY. I love my brother but he is one bizarre cat....I dont mind telling you that I am more than a little bit nervous right now.

See what I have allowed the media to do to me? LAST NIGHT at midnight one of my dearest friends called me CRYING her eyes out. Now, this beloved friend has marital problems, so naturally I assumed she had a blowout with hubby. BUT NO!!! She has finally crashed and burned from MEDIA OVERLOAD. She was in a state of PANIC over the state of the world....It was all I could do to calm her. She is so afraid...so paranoid...so suspecting...Damn..we will never be the same....

I am just exhausted from this entire thing...I don't want to live in fear.

THINK PEACE: its the other thing you can do!!! I know its idealistic...but if my little corner of the world can be peaceful at least I have that to cling to...I don't want my kids to hate...But it is almost like...I don't want to even leave my home..my safe haven...my bombshelter...(yeah...no lie, its a bombshelter...all brick, block and morter...like 3 layers thick...I am certain in 10,000 years it will be known as the ancient ruins of Howell.)

WELL..okay, enough with the paranoia...my kids are at Johns baseball game..Katie had basketball this morning...life is status quo...I have these next two hours alone to take care of my errands and chores and just be the best me I can....so let me go do it. MORE BLOG LATER..i am sure.

Friday, September 21, 2001

Red Bank Buffet...

Today at lunch I decided to do my all-time favorite thing...visit the "MonArc Thrift Shop" on Monmouth Street. Low and behold, one of my old co-workers from the American Red Cross was behind the counter volunteering. Sheila is one of the most unique people I have EVER met. She is probably in her fifties, VERY flamboyant, artsy...opinionated, negative...she is one of those people you NEVER forget. Anyway...we chatted for a while...she gave me all the dirt...whether I wanted to hear it or not...so I found my new winter style...flamboyant fem...lots of silk scarves in funky colors and patterns...long skirts and bizzare shoes...I almost wore a scarf on my head..RHODA style today. Gotta get a new pair of glasses.

THEN..after that..I strolled across the street to the "Bagel Oven" for a quickie lunch. I ordered my onion bagel with cream cheese...(toasted if you please)..there was this pimply kid behind the counter chatting with an older woman..probably about my age...about the music that was playing...it was..by the way..HORRIBLE..but as the kid explained..it was HIS band. So, the other woman asked, "What is the name of your band?" He promptly responded, "I'm not going to tell you, because it sounds like an Eighties Metal band..and we are not" So the woman asks,"Well, what kind of music is this?" He responds,"Death Metal" OK...what the heck is death metal.

So then, my bagel is ready and I go up to the counter and stand next to the other woman. looked down at her shoes...(yeah, I am big on that)..I noticed she was wearing fishnet stockings under her jeans..her toes were webbed...and she had this really beautiful shade of metallic aqua on her toenails...anyway..she looks at me and says, "YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL!" "What color is that..who does your color?" I was dumbfounded...I just gave her a blank expression and after a 2 second delay I tell her, "uhh..GOD did my hair...this is my natural color" So then of course, she isnt going to believe me. "Well, you must have spent a lot of time out in the sun...because your hair has really lightended up." I am thinking at this point..."who the HELL is she to question the origins of my hair color?...this is bizarre." So I confess..".WELL...I did dye it temporarily red last month...but thats it" So she keeps up with my hair...long enough so the pimply def metal kid behind the counter is chiming in...."I CONCUR!!!" Well I ended up letting this lady examine my roots to prove to her that is was my natural hair color....

Just another Friday afternoon on Monmouth Street.
WHAAA..
I just got an email from a woman who wants to use some of my blog in a book she is writing about the ATTACK. I am wondering about this!

Thursday, September 20, 2001

HOMELAND DEFENSE

okay..okay..I will stand by my country. I am sick to my stomach with thoughts of the future. One Day at a Time...envoke the mantra. United we Stand, Divided we Fall. Wave that Flag, Wave it High and Wide...summertime done come and gone, my oh my.....

As you can tell...I am at a loss for original thought. I am still in shock over the loss of life in New York and Washington...I am still saddened everyday by the stories of yet another local heros memorial service. I really do not know how to deal with our country at war. I do not know how to deal with the uncertainty of terrorist lurking in my backyard. Homeland Defense...HOMELAND DEFENSE.

My brothers are in the military....in the Coast Guard...they thought it was the safest of the armed services...not anymore....HOMELAND DEFENSE.

I am ripped up inside...I think I want to listen to Carol King music. Stop the world, I want to get off.
OPERATION INFINATE JUSTICE....

Nefarious! Republican Wet Dream...I want to leave this country. The media reports that the Taliban encourages all Muslims to attack the United States of America. Okay..so my muslim brother, my muslim co-worker, my muslim neighbors...I have to be paranoid that they are going to attack me, murder my children? I fear for our Muslim Americans who will be attacked and misunderstood by our Ignorant Americans...and how our government and media distorts our national grief...I am at a loss...Life as we knew it is over...

I wonder if I would feel this way if I were not alone if WE were not alone...The European community is backing away from supporting us....and Mr. Rumsfeld has no problem with this of course....HELLO! Muhammad Omar is calling for a Holy War if Afganistan is attacked....what does that mean for the Muslims in the USA....I fear for the woman and children...the refugees trying to escape their eminent death in Afganistan.

Is it really a matter of an Eye for an Eye...more death...does more blood purify the horror. The enemy is here among us...not in Afganistan. The terrorists live among us...

Pay attention to what they do...not what they say. I feel sick. My youngest son John asked me last night if I was afraid of anything....I said, "NO". That is how they view me. Fearless and Strong. Often my daughters have mentioned to their friends, "My Mom isnt afraid of ANYTHING". And for the most part that is true. (sidebar: did you know it is now acceptable to start a sentance with a predicate?) I am not afraid of war or terrorists...It just makes me SICK to my STOMACH.

Infinate JUSTICE...what NERVE....only God himself has INFINATE JUSTICE. I am beginning to think that GWB is the ANTICHRIST PUPPET.

I need a shower, ciao.

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

::--ON WAR--::

War...ugh! What is it good for? ABSOLUTELY NUTHIN' (say it again)....

Shit. One of my friends who is an noted political writer..sent me this sort of Manifesto..that scared the shit out of me....I cannot even talk about it. If her allegations are true..then we need to band together....grassroots...

If our government KNEW about this disaster and did nothing....If the nefarious powers that be are using our nations grief as a tool to pass every concievable right-winged military agenda through congress.....

And....Europe is reporting along these lines...there were warnings...HOW did WE the most sophisicated superpower on earth allow a band of terrorist armed with nothing but BOX CUTTERS kill Thousands of our innocent citizens?

Its all starting to come out...questions are being asked...and we are not getting any answers....we may never know...

AND THE GOOD NEWS IS....
I got a BIG FAT RAISE today!!!! ehhehehe hahahha hoooohooohoooo.....
Now I can fix the headlight in my car...get new tires...be ready and safe for winter....ummm...
I am so glad the weather is turning..I love fall..

I love the autumn..the sun shines differently in October...the slant of the earth during the autumnal equinox casts a lovely shadow.....One of my favorite things in the world is to have a hearty soup simmering away...a freshly baked apple pie on the sideboard...at sunset..the golden hues of a russet evening sky streaming through the front windows of my house...watching a magnificent fall sunset...the crispness of the air..the aroma of harvest time...very distinctive...very much a comfort, a warm loving safe ambiance.

Rosey cheeks....colored leaves...warm apple cider with a cinnamon stick...pumpkins...apples...a special sweet time of year.

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

::..ON LOVE..::

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher will Appear......

So many different types of love. Sometimes, I think I am just in love with being in love....That warm glowing feeling...I feel it inside me...but I have no one to give it too..so I keep it inside for myself.

Its odd not to have anyone to Love...I love my children of course but that is a different kind of love....a protection/nurturing love.

I love my friends and my family but that is a sort of love that mostly is the familiar thing...like...you can always count on your family..and I can count on my friends most of the time...but Family..yes..always...I feel badly for people who have no family...it must be very lonely...

And there is that weird sort of Taboo internet love...when you are totally infatuated with someone you write to or chat with. Thats a strange thing..but very real. And usually disappointing when you finally meet...but sometimes not.

And then there is the love of a pet..which is pretty close to the love of a child. I mean, you dont kick out your kid for messing up the carpet..nor would you a treasured pet....you just deal with the smell and the mess and move on..hopefully they learn a lesson....(metaphorically speaking)

That ROMANTIC love...I feel it just under my skin. I am glad its there...I am glad I am not jaded...that I know I can create and extend love...umm...good feelings!!! I feel like Grace Slick....I hope the right guy comes along one day. I really do not see myself as being alone...but I also know that manipulation of situations isnt natural...so I am content to experiance life, learn as much as I can and then when I am ready...HE will arrive...

When the Student is ready...the Teacher will appear....

Saturday, September 15, 2001

Melbourne Calling....

this morning at 5 am. I heard my telephone ringing....I was on the couch as usual, luckily...because I dont have a phone on the second floor where my bedroom is.....it was my dearest Rossi Biddle...calling from Melbourne Australia....It was soooo good to hear is British voice...he was so genuinely happy to hear mine..he was in tears as he told me how worried he was about me...that this week was hell for him not knowing if I was OK....and that if he wasnt completely of his positive for his feelings for me, he certainly is now.

Gosh, its good to know that someone loves me like that. Too bad he currently lives in another hemisphere...FFS...Oh well...one day...he really wants to move to the USA...when I first met him he was living in London..then had to leave to go back to Australia...now he wants to move to Orange County Ca...wants me to come with...and well...I just might do that. I have to leave here within the next two years anyway.

BAD NEWS....
My mom called at 8:30 this morning to tell me my Father had just pulled through his latest surgery....They found another cancerous tumor in his Kidney...he had one of his kidneys removed...SHEESH...He is fine so far...but man..just 2 months ago he had his prostate out...now this. I hope they found it all in him....and got it out.

So...with all thats going on..I am going to take my kids to the movies...ciao for now...

Friday, September 14, 2001

I dont know what to say..so why say anything? I know what is happening at work...I am staying in Marketing with a RAISE and an elevated position...hopefully to work into management in the near future...since I placed a bug in Larry's ear..(ewww..)

Wish I had someone to go out with....hint, hint...at least I have a crush-link...mutual admiration society. Well..time to go home...I have some gerber daisies...love them..such happy faces.
Clouds...

Today is overcast and rainy in New Jersey. I woke up to a very very pungent odor coming from the outside. I dont know what it is...but it smells like burning plastic...its giving me a headache. I dont even dare to think it is coming from lower Manhattan...perhaps the cloud cover is giving it nowhere else to go....

But that is the least of our problems, right? I am semi-consumed with "what will happen next".

Some total ASSHOLE is trying to Instant Message me...his screen name is "LADIES MAN.." GAWD...he doesnt know me at all...and if I didnt have you, dear BLOG...I would be unleashing a major RANT on this moron....I am trying desperately not to rip him a new virtual asshole.....and.....if you know me...you know I can.

I have lots of pent up rage about terrorism...how its taken away someone that I really cared about...and barely knew. Its like anything in life, learning to accept that which is unacceptable...its NOT that you have to ACCEPT....but you have to deal with it....like...ok....my heart cannot deal with it..but my head can.....sometimes the heart overcomes the head...sometimes the head can control the heart....

These feelings of helplessness are very alien to me....I am a do-er...a fixer....the strong one. The Matriarch. It was very hard for me to learn that I was NOT the center of the Universe...that the sun did not rise and set on my command....(metaphors..folks..please....)

Sometimes this still comes out in me....but now..its just plain sick anger...and there is no place to go with it....well...

These are my inner-most thoughts....thats all. My kids are very upset by all this...and well, there are no answers..no explaination.
Shit...
I have to go to work..I have a meeting and I am now officially late...shit, shit, shit...